There was a time in my life when almost every major decision I made was influenced by what I thought I should want. I chased goals that looked good on paper, worried far too much about what other people thought of me, and constantly compared my life to how I imagined it was supposed to look.
From the outside, everything seemed perfectly fine. Inside, however, I felt disconnected from myself. I was successful in some areas of my life, but I wasn’t fulfilled. It felt as though I was living according to a script I had unconsciously inherited from society, family expectations, and cultural ideas of what a “good life” should look like.
Then, little by little, I began asking myself a question that completely changed the direction of my life:
What if I stopped asking what I should do and started asking what actually matters to me?
That question eventually led me to one of the most important concepts in my personal growth journey: values.
Living according to your values isn’t about becoming selfish or rejecting society’s expectations entirely. It’s about building a life that feels authentic, meaningful, and aligned with who you truly are.
The truth is that we don’t become unhappy because we want too little—we often become unhappy because we’re pursuing things that were never ours to begin with.
🌱 Why We Lose Ourselves in Other People’s Expectations
Most of us aren’t taught to ask ourselves what we truly value. Instead, we’re taught what we should value.
From an early age, we’re surrounded by messages about what a successful, happy, or meaningful life is supposed to look like. We’re encouraged to pursue certain careers, reach particular milestones, and make choices that are socially acceptable or admired by others. Somewhere along the way, many of us stop asking ourselves a simple but important question:
“Is this actually what I want?”
It’s surprisingly easy to spend years living according to other people’s expectations without even realizing it. We chase promotions we don’t want, stay in relationships that no longer align with who we are, or continue pursuing goals simply because we’ve invested so much time and energy into them.
We tell ourselves things like:
- I should earn more money.
- I should want children.
- I should be more ambitious.
- I should be married by now.
- I should have everything figured out by this age.
The word should can quietly become one of the loudest voices in our lives.
The problem is that “should” rarely comes from our authentic selves. More often, it reflects societal expectations, cultural beliefs, family values, or comparisons with the people around us.
Sometimes those expectations are so deeply rooted in family and upbringing that it takes real reflection to recognize which parts of our life were chosen by us and which were inherited from the people around us.
One of the most freeing realizations I’ve had is that there is no universally correct way to live a meaningful life. What feels deeply fulfilling to one person may feel completely misaligned for another.
The older I get, the more I realize that fulfillment doesn’t come from creating a life that looks impressive from the outside. It comes from creating a life that feels right when you’re alone with yourself.
Living according to your values requires a certain amount of courage because it often means disappointing expectations—sometimes your own, but frequently those of other people. It asks you to stop performing the version of yourself that receives the most approval and start becoming the version of yourself that feels most authentic.
Letting go of who you think you should be can feel uncomfortable at first. But it also creates something incredibly valuable: space. Space to discover what truly matters to you and what kind of life you genuinely want to build.
After all, it’s impossible to live in alignment with your values if you’ve never given yourself permission to define them in the first place.
🧭 What Does It Mean to Live According to Your Values?
When people hear the word values, they often think of abstract concepts or personality tests. In reality, values are much simpler—and much more important—than that. They are the principles that guide how you want to live your life.
Values are not goals or achievements. They’re not things you can tick off a list once you’ve accomplished them. Instead, they act as an internal compass that helps you make decisions, set priorities, and determine what truly matters to you.
For example, freedom might be one of your core values. Unlike a goal, you don’t “achieve” freedom once and move on. Rather, it influences the choices you make every day—from the kind of work you do to the relationships you cultivate and the way you spend your time.
Other common values include:
- authenticity,
- creativity,
- kindness,
- growth,
- adventure,
- connection,
- simplicity,
- peace,
- curiosity, and
- contribution.
Living according to your values doesn’t necessarily mean making dramatic life changes overnight. More often, it involves making small, intentional choices that feel increasingly aligned with who you are.
One thing I’ve noticed is that many of us mistake goals for values. We tell ourselves:
- “I want to make more money.”
- “I want to buy a house.”
- “I want to become successful.”
- “I want to be more productive.”
Sometimes the things we think we want are actually desires we’ve absorbed from the world around us. Learning to distinguish between genuine values and endless wanting can completely change how we make decisions.
There’s nothing wrong with any of these goals. The question is why they matter to you.
Perhaps making more money represents freedom. Buying a house represents security. Becoming successful represents creativity or contribution. Once you identify the underlying value, your decisions become much clearer.
Values also make difficult choices easier. When you’re clear about what matters most to you, saying no becomes less complicated. You’re no longer choosing between what you want and what other people expect—you are simply choosing what aligns with the life you’re intentionally creating.
Living according to your values isn’t about finding the perfect life. It’s about creating a life that feels authentic to you—even if it looks different from what others might choose.
Your values are allowed to be deeply personal. You don’t need anyone else’s permission to decide what a meaningful life looks like for you.
✨ How to Identify Your Core Values
One of the reasons so many people struggle to identify their values is that they’ve spent years adapting to what others expected from them. When you’ve been living according to external expectations for a long time, it can feel surprisingly difficult to answer simple questions about what truly matters to you.
The good news is that your values aren’t something you need to invent—they’re usually something you uncover. They’ve been quietly present throughout your life, revealing themselves through the moments when you’ve felt most fulfilled, energized, and aligned with yourself.
A good place to start is by reflecting on the experiences that have brought you genuine joy and meaning.
Ask yourself:
- When have I felt most alive and fulfilled?
- What kind of people inspire me, and why?
- Which moments in my life have felt the most meaningful?
- What qualities do I admire most in others?
- What would I continue doing even if nobody applauded me for it?
Your answers often point directly toward your core values.
Another helpful exercise is to pay attention to what consistently frustrates or drains you. Sometimes our frustrations reveal our values just as clearly as our joys do.
For example:
- If you feel trapped in highly structured environments, you may value freedom and flexibility.
- If superficial conversations leave you feeling disconnected, you may value authenticity and depth.
- If constant busyness exhausts you, you may value simplicity and inner peace.
- If helping others brings you a sense of purpose, contribution and compassion may be important values for you.
Your values don’t need to sound impressive or ambitious. They simply need to feel true.
One mistake many people make is choosing values they believe they should have. There is no prize for valuing productivity, ambition, or financial success if those things don’t genuinely matter to you. Your values are not a performance—they are a reflection of who you are.
You may also discover that your values evolve over time. What mattered deeply to you ten years ago may no longer feel aligned today, and that’s perfectly normal. Personal growth often involves allowing ourselves to change rather than remaining loyal to versions of ourselves we’ve already outgrown.
If you’re feeling stuck, try making a list of five to seven words that describe the kind of life you want to live. Perhaps your list includes:
- freedom,
- creativity,
- peace,
- authenticity,
- curiosity,
- connection,
- adventure.
Then ask yourself a simple question:
“If my daily life reflected these values more fully, what would need to change?”
Often, the answers are much smaller—and much more attainable—than we expect.
Identifying your values isn’t about finding the perfect words. It’s about becoming honest enough to admit what truly matters to you, even when it doesn’t look like what others may have chosen for themselves.
🌸 Practical Ways to Live More Authentically
Once you’ve identified your core values, the next step is bringing them into your everyday life. This is where many people get stuck. We tend to assume that living authentically requires dramatic changes—a new career, moving to another country, or completely reinventing ourselves.
Sometimes those things happen, but more often, living according to your values begins with small, intentional decisions.
Authenticity isn’t built through one life-changing moment. It’s built through hundreds of tiny choices that gradually bring your external life into alignment with your internal values.
Here are a few practical ways to start living more intentionally:
Learn to Say No More Often
Every time you say yes to something that doesn’t align with your values, you’re usually saying no to something that does.
Ask yourself:
- Am I saying yes because I genuinely want to?
- Or am I saying yes because I feel guilty or afraid of disappointing someone?
Protecting your time and energy is one of the most practical ways to honor your values. Sometimes honoring your values means setting a boundary even when someone else may not understand or approve of it. Learning to protect your time and energy without unnecessary guilt is a skill in itself.
Create Your Own Definition of Success
Society has many ideas about what success should look like, but very few people encourage us to define it for ourselves.
Take a moment to consider:
- What does a successful life actually mean to me?
- What would I want my average Tuesday to look like?
- How do I want to feel on a daily basis?
Sometimes we spend years chasing extraordinary achievements while completely overlooking the importance of enjoying our ordinary lives.
Conduct a Values Audit
Take a look at the different areas of your life:
- relationships,
- work,
- finances,
- health,
- leisure time,
- personal growth.
Ask yourself whether each area reflects the values you’ve identified. If freedom is one of your core values but your schedule leaves you feeling trapped, there may be room for small but meaningful changes.
Make Small Decisions That Reflect Your Values
Living authentically doesn’t always require courage in grand moments—it often requires courage in ordinary ones.
It might mean:
- declining an invitation because you need rest,
- pursuing a creative hobby simply because it brings you joy,
- spending less time on social media,
- setting healthier boundaries in your relationships,
- or allowing yourself to choose a less conventional path in life.
Small choices have a remarkable way of shaping our lives over time.
Stop Comparing Your Timeline to Everyone Else’s
Comparison is one of the quickest ways to disconnect from your values. It’s difficult to hear your own inner voice when you’re constantly listening to everyone else’s.
When we constantly compare our lives to other people’s, it becomes much harder to recognize what actually feels right for us. We may start wanting someone else’s version of success simply because it looks better from the outside.
Your life isn’t meant to look exactly like anyone else’s. Your values are unique, which means your version of a meaningful life will be unique, too.
One of the most beautiful things about living authentically is that it gives you permission to stop performing and start belonging—to yourself.
The more your daily choices reflect your values, the less concerned you’ll become with whether your life looks impressive from the outside. You’ll be too busy enjoying the fact that it finally feels right on the inside.
Authenticity isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about giving yourself permission to become more fully yourself.
✨ Final Thoughts
Living according to your values isn’t about getting everything right or creating the perfect life. It’s about making choices that feel increasingly aligned with who you are and what truly matters to you.
There will be moments when you disappoint others, change direction, or realize that the path you’ve been following no longer feels authentic. That’s not failure—it’s growth. One of the greatest acts of self-respect is allowing yourself to evolve rather than remaining loyal to a version of yourself you’ve already outgrown.
The truth is, most of us spend far too much time worrying about whether other people approve of our decisions. We chase milestones that don’t excite us, stay committed to expectations that aren’t ours, and postpone the life we genuinely want because we’re waiting for permission that will never come.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this:
The people who are happiest with their lives aren’t necessarily the ones who have achieved the most—they’re often the ones whose lives feel most aligned with their values.
Living authentically doesn’t mean you’ll never feel uncertain or afraid. It simply means that when difficult decisions arise, you’ll have something far more valuable than other people’s approval to guide you—your own inner compass.
You don’t need to have your entire life figured out today. You only need to make the next small decision that feels true for you.
If you’d like support in identifying your values, creating a more intentional life, or navigating major life transitions with greater clarity and confidence, you’re warmly invited to explore my one-to-one conversations through the Talk With Me page.
Your life doesn’t have to look impressive to be meaningful. It simply has to feel like yours.
🌿 Recommended Articles
Finding Your Passion with Ikigai – Discover how the Japanese concept of Ikigai can help you align what you love, what you’re good at, and what gives your life meaning.
The Grass Is Always Greener: Why We Compare Our Lives – Discover why we so often compare our lives to others and how stepping away from comparison can help you reconnect with what actually matters to you.
📚 Recommended Books
Here are five inspiring books on authenticity, intentional living, and creating a life aligned with your values.
- The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga – A powerful exploration of Alfred Adler’s psychology, showing readers how to break free from the need for external approval and embrace personal freedom.
- Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown – Offers a practical guide to cutting out distractions and focusing only on what truly matters, helping you live a more intentional and fulfilling life.
- The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking by Oliver Burkeman – Challenges the traditional pursuit of happiness by embracing uncertainty, failure, and the acceptance of life’s inevitable struggles.
- Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World by Cal Newport – Provides strategies to reduce digital distractions, reclaim your focus, and engage more deeply with what matters most.
- Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett & Dave Evans – Practical tools and exercises for building a meaningful and fulfilling life that reflects your values.
💬 Reflection Questions
💭 Which values are currently guiding the biggest decisions in your life?
🌱 What is one expectation or “should” you’re ready to let go of?
✨ What small change could help you live more authentically this week?
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